we made out on top of his cat.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
