Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
