i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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