Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
