I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
