It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
