I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
