I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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