You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
