dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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