he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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