When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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