so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
