So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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