My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
