There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
