my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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