I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
