I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
