why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
