somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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