Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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