You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
