I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
