Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
