Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
