Your dad touched me again.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
