I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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