Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
