This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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