Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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