She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize