I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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