I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
pop tarts are not kleenex
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
