just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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