walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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