I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize