He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
