remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize