I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
