I am midnight drunk by noon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
