i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
