vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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