Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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