Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
