i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
