Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Couch. On fire.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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