You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
