oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
