I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
