There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
