I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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