tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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