how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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