I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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