Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
