Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize