if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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