Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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