So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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